I feel like a non-person.  This is nothing new, but I am feeling so powerless and invisible right now.  And stuck.  I don’t know what to say.  Saying anything gets me in trouble.  Not saying anything keeps me stuck.  The whole thing gives me a horrible headache, and I think that maybe I shouldn’t exist.

 I wanted to keep this positive here, but tonight I need to try to sort some things out.  And I would appreciate any help that you can offer.  Okay, I was going to write more of the details, but if I did that, I would sound like I am whining, if I don’t already.  Let’s just say it isn’t limited to one area of my life, but right now I’m extremely burned out with my job, not because I don’t like the job or the people I work with, but because the administration does not seem to appreciate me.  It is really at a critical level right now, and I’ve tried to tell them so, and they just keep on making it worse.

I am recognizing a pattern, and it is lack of personal power.  Any sense of having control of my own life was systematically destroyed during my childhood.  I gave up a long time ago, and trying to gain some control now is an uphill battle and I’m facing major obstacles and often ready to give up again and conclude that I don’t deserve to have a chance, or even to exist.  Yeah, following that thought out to its conclusion is a pretty bad place.

So, okay, since I have identified lack of personal power as my problem, I went looking for some information about Personal Power, and found a helpful article.  This quote kind-of says it:

To feel that we are worthwhile individuals, to know that we exist, we have to express our power – feel that we are in control. This imperative to express our power and experience control is central to human behavior. Every human does something to express his or her power in the world. This power can be expressed creatively or destructively.

Humans first attempt to express their power creatively. If such attempts fail repeatedly, they experience themselves as powerless. They may feel helpless and hopeless, and become depressed. What they experience is that they cannot make a positive difference in their own lives or in the world. A cognitive breakdown occurs between their actions and the results they produce. Mentally and intellectually they cease to understand the connections between their behavior and the consequences of their behavior. Then they express their power destructively.

The article is here if you want to read it. And there is some good stuff in there, with discussion of Martin Seligman and Learned Helplessness, and Learned Optimism, and Ghandi, and how to use Power Messages.

I am still scared and don’t have much confidence, but I have to admit that reading that article at least gave me a sense that I can try something, if only to find information to validate how I’m feeling.