A few things, actually.

At least three different people have commented on my kids being good citizens, well-adjusted, happy, good influences, enjoyable, and nice to have around.  Three people who don’t know each other as far as I know.  Maybe I’ve done something right afterall.

If you have read my story  or some of my other writings, you may have gotten the impression that I wished that I hadn’t become a parent.  I realized that I don’t resent or regret that I have my kids.  They are good kids, and I love them, and I am glad that they are mine.  What I resent and regret is that I have never been good enough.  I resent

  • that I wasn’t ready
  • that I didn’t know that I had choices
  • that I thought that having babies was supposed to be my only purpose in life
  • that I felt guilty for wanting more than that
  • that I didn’t have help when I needed it
  • that I wasn’t able to enjoy being a mom when I was home with the kids
  • that I felt so trapped
  • that now I don’t have the time to spend with them that I want to and that they need
  • that I wasn’t good enough.

But I am glad to have the kids that I do, and that they are the people they are.  They are neat kids.

There were other things that I’m trying to hang on to, and I’m afraid they will slip away.  I had a dream about a week ago about someone following me and harrassing me, and I kept trying to call for help, but my voice wouldn’t work and neither would the phones.  My therapist pointed out that my silence isn’t working for me, and my message to myself is I don’t like this and don’t want to do this anymore.  And at least I did keep trying, so there’s a positive. 

I am usually so resistant, and she must think that I don’t really want to change.  The part of me that wants to change seems to be getting strong enough to get heard.  Life as a victim isn’t the way that I want to live anymore.  Am I really allowed to have any other purpose in life, and to believe that I am here for a reason?

Raising my children is part of my purpose.  There are other things too.  I want to be able to help people, specifically others like me.  I know that’s not going to be easy.  I have some talents, not limited to that area – music, arts, languages, animals, and sometimes an ability to understand other people.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be satisfied with any of it, or ever be good enough.  But maybe I have a purpose, or several, afterall.  If I believe that everyone is here for a reason, then why should I make an exception of myself?  It doesn’t make sense.  But something seems to be coming together.