Sat 22 Mar 2008
I have been thinking about starting another blog for some time, and I thought that I didn’t have time.Â I thought that in a few months I would start to have more time, life would settle down.Â It doesn’t work that way though.Â So many of the things that I have wanted to say, or even have written out in my head, are not here because I didn’t take the time to write them down, or to create a space to write them down.Â If not now, then when?
Many of you may already know me from the community at Psych Central.Â I have shared much more of my story there already than I will ever get around to here.Â I won’t backtrack a lot, except where relevant.Â For some reason, it is important to me for you to know a little about where I am coming from, and this is the main theme that I have intended to write about.Â I am on a journey, as we all are.Â At this place in my journey, I have been moving slowly forward, personally and professionally, for about the last five years.Â My memory of my life before that turning point, when my depression bottomed out and there was noplace to go but up, is pretty cloudy and confusing.Â My survival depended upon picking up some lost or given up dreams, that included education and career.Â Now I am nearly finished with a master’s program in Counseling.Â I am doing work as a student intern.Â I still have a ton of my own stuff to work through, although I have come a long way already.
Around the middle of January, I remember thinking to myself that I was getting through the winter fairly well this year, with no particularly bad lapses into depression.Â Then things started to happen, and my world fell apart again.Â Lots of things happened, one after another, and for a while I thought I was coping, but I wasn’t really.Â I should have taken a break, but I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t handle it.Â In one week (towards the end of February, and actually the 5-year anniversary week of when I had bottomed out before), it all caught up with me at once.Â My internship clients asked not to see me anymore because I wasn’t helping them, they didn’t feel a connection, and one of them said that I seemed scared, and that scared her.Â Then I had an annual evaluation at my regular job that I could tell was starting to go very badly.Â I broke down and cried, told my boss that I hadn’t been at my best the last several weeks, and the evaluation was put on hold.Â Everything was going wrong everywhere: school, work, family, pets, hobbies,Â cars, and even online.Â When I told my therapist that everything was falling apart, she said that it isn’t really.Â She says that this is really a step in the right direction, and now that I can’t maintain the divided selves (totally competent in some areas and totally incompetent in others) that I have been struggling to maintain, I will finally have to learn to be one whole person with strengths and weaknesses.Â It is scary, but I will try to trust (and hope)Â that it is finally coming together.
“It’s the night that makes the dawning.
“It’s the depths that make the heights.
“It’s the roots that make the branches.
“It’s the darkness that gives birth to Light.”